Thursday, January 19, 2012
Unforgettable Moments
Well, I think this experience will always on my mind and It will be lasted.
It just started when my cousin opened up his love story to us and share his knowledge on LOVE.
I just don't know why I'm captivated in his topic but his story is just good enough to hear and many
of us see his girlfriend. He told us that his girlfriend is rich, adorable, cool , sociable and the one he always
talked about she is so SIMPLE. I just think his girlfriend is beautiful enough to be his wife.So we tease our
cousin and made a lot of jokes for him to be entertained
He also told us that he always earn his money to
buy some things for this girlfriend in their Monthsary.
In his experiences, I'm too confused on how to loved a good girl and never to cheat her in their relationship.
I just get so jealous in this,so I just wanted to have a girlfriend in my next days..
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1. The first sentence could have been placed in the conclusion part.
ReplyDelete2. The conclusion part does not seem to support the beginning and middle parts of the text.
3. Use the tenses of verbs properly. Avoid combining present tense and past tense of the verbs in one sentence.
Example: "So we 'tease' our
cousin and 'made' a lot of jokes..."
Rating:
a. Introduction - 3
b. Content - 10
c. Conclusion - 2
d. Diction - 3
e. Coherence - 3
f. Spelling - 3
g. Mechanics and grammar - 5
h. Legibility - 3
Total: 32/60
Your effort to write a complete paragraph is very clear. However, some improvements can be made regarding:
ReplyDelete choice of words (e.g. share his knowledge on LOVE – may be rephrased as shared his experiences. . ., instead of captivated in his topic – you can say interesting topic)
a. Introduction - 2
b. Content - 10
c. Conclusion - 2
d. Coherence - 3
e. Diction - 2
f. Spelling - 4
g. Grammar and Mechanics - 5
h. Legibility - 3
Total - 31/60